Gay Community voicesHomosexual male, 23, FranceI like psychology. I never study it but I would say that I've learned it. One of my big interests is: "What is the impact(s) of being homosexual on my personality?" Of course there are impacts on my feelings ... but what about the rest, my qualities, my defaults, my strongest values? Because I am homosexual I have experienced to listen carefully to my deeper feelings and I have looked backwards to understand my trip from a 'should-be-straight-teenager' to a gay guy. I am able now to understand rather quickly what the main motivations of the people are, what they are proud of, what they want to be acknowledged for, why they want to be respected, etc. If I were heterosexual, I would probably be less interested in such details because of this normative point of view of what people should be. I have entered a world where you can look deeper inside each person, where you can be fascinated by someone who is moved further apart from the others because of his/her sexual orientation, colour, addictions, hobbies, behaviour, a world where everyone has a meaningful experience to share. That is also probably why I moved abroad to find new people and to listen to new stories. Spanish homosexual male, 36 yearsI am a slave. i belong to another man. i am my property of my SIR. That is the reason why i experience my sexuality, in an assymetric relationship where submission and control are the axes. Actually i do not know if it would be right to say that entering this world was a volunteer decision, but i can assert it was a negociated decision. Right now, in this period of my personal development my SIR is the one that controls my social relationships, mi behaviour, my sexuality...... that makes every single experience and activity exciting, because everything is related to HIM. My social life is good, actually really successfull, but deep inside me i am an animal, a "thing", someone not entirelly human which belongs to Other. Slicking HIS boots, be tied to his feet, slicking HIM in leather, obey him.... that is the reason why i stand up everyday, why i fight why i work why i am. HE has helped me to find and discover myself, but above all, HE has helped me to accept myself and to live up according to certain feelings which where there and against which i used a big amount of energy so i could repress them. Because of HIM, i not only fully experience those feelings, i also use them in order to develop myself, to go ahead in life, to grow up. i am in charge of HIS property, which is myself and my obejctive is increasing its value, so HE can be proud. Sex for me is the expression of such submission and devotion. HIS pleasure produces me pleasure, and HIS satisfaction produces me satisfaction, if i ever deserve it. Meeting HIM and becoming his slave is the most important thing i have ever experienced, because ,like in a puzzle, all pieces eventually happen to fit; thanks to HIM my life has been organised around submission and offering HIM service. Today i can declare that i was totally lost and that he founded me accepting me as his slave. Since then i am happier and that is because of HIM. Coming out of the closet at a late age:To come out as gay is never too late. I came out little by little when I was 45-50. At that time I was married and a father of two kids of 11 and 13. All my life I had felt a strong desire for being a father, and when I met my coming wife at the late age of 37 it took less than two years before the cradle was full with two wonderful children, a girl and a boy. The first years were intense with family life and work, but as the children grew up, I gradually felt uncomfortable with my sex life, and old fantasies about gay sex gained new life and became frequent. Slowly but steadily I allowed myself to experiment with actual sexual relations, but it took many years before I accepted a gay identity. Till then, I thought of these events as necessary outlets of excess sexual drives. The turning point came when I actually fell in love with a man I have met on the internet. We started to see each other secretly and as I became more and more emotionally involved my married life became increasingly difficult to keep up. My wife suffered and I was miserable because I did not want the family to break up at the same time as I was intensely involved in causing just that. At a certain time the bubble burst, and we got divorced. I was very confused and unhappy at the same time as I was thrilled like a boy at puberty by gaining experience as a gay man. For this reason I started an internet group of men who had experienced or were experiencing a similar shift in life. My head was full of questions – had I always been gay and had I lived a false life, or had my sexual orientation simply changed from hetero- to homosexual? To meet other men in a similar situation and talk about our life experiences helped my sorting things out and settling in my new life. We were contacted by a woman who experienced the same change of life, and the group got broadened to include both sexes. The group, ironically entitled “Homosexual with delay”, is now one of the largest groups under the Danish Gay and Lesbian organization in Copenhagen. Through this group we have learned that there are a lot of men and women in the same situation as I was ten years ago. To all these men and women I would say that to be able to live according to one’s sexual orientation is such a relief and emancipation that it is worth all the trouble although the pain of breaking up with family and children never heals. Let us look forward to the new Rainbow families and hope coming generations do not need to wait a half life before they manage to find their own way. Mikael Aktor (Homo with Delay-LBL) |
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