Voices on Gender IdentityInternational Transman Living in Odense (23 years old)When I was a child growing up in a small town in Missouri, I could not understand why I was not a boy. An easy-going, sweet child, gender-related problems frequently reduced me to tears and temper-tantrums. I did not understand why I was not allowed to play baseball, be a boyscout, have crushes on girl classmates or wear the clothes that I wanted to wear. My siblings were allowed (within reason) to follow their own personal sense of style and presentation whereas nearly anything I chose would be rejected if I didn’t put up a fight from things like how I wanted to wear my hair (buzzed) to preferring only one ear pierced instead of two, to insisting on Scooby Doo boxers over Princess Jasmine panties. Since I had a younger sister with a life-threatening genetic disease that required long periods of time in the hospital, there was enormous pressure on us other siblings to behave and not cause any problems. My gender dysphoria was perceived as wanting attention, acting out , selfish or just plain bad behavior. My decision-making skills became governed by shame. If I had an opinion, expressed a desire or picked out a shirt and it was met with disapproval, I would change it. Any choice I made was based on what other people thought. I felt more like a puppet than a person. By the time I started to become an adult and live on my own there were too many different people in my life with too many different opinions and values for me to please them all. I felt pulled in every direction, immensely unhappy, had extremely low self-esteem and felt completely incompetent of making even the smallest decisions like what to eat for breakfast. This depression hit rock bottom with a suicide attempt a week before my 21st birthday. Two months later I came to Denmark for the first time, for a fresh start and to study but also to begin figuring out who I was and what I, not anybody else, wanted for my life. Less than 2 years later and after several months of research and reflection, I accepted that I have gender dysphoria which is not something that can be grown out of, prayed away, cured with enough sex or by the right person or the perfect relationship. Most importantly it is not something that can be shamed away. I’ve had it my entire life and it is never ever going to go away no matter how hard I, or anybody else, tries. I decided to transition to male. Best. Decision. Of. My. Life. PERIOD. My professors, classmates and friends and the University of Southern Denmark and in Odense have been wonderfully supportive and accepting of my transition and I have never been happier. Before I started living as the man that I am, I had no idea that life could be this easy, this effortless, this enjoyable. I have finally learned to live the meaning of the expression “Just be yourself.” Non-transexual male, 28, SpainUntil I became 20 I had never reflected about my gender identity seriously. I had always lived thinking that gender and sex actually were the same thing, assuming that it was natural that girls played with barbies and boys with action men, that is what we learnt, what the others also did, what we liked to do. It was first at the point that I came out as a gay man when I was 20 (later in my life as bisexual) when I reflected about my gender. Before that I did not reflect myself upon my behaviour, how I spoke, gesticulated, moved my body or how I was perceived by others. Not being able to separate sex, gender and sexual orientation I thought that by being gay I was to be perceived as feminine by others, since the reason why gays liked other men was because of a feminine component inherent in them. Years deconstructing the heterosexist machinery of hegemonic symbols, ideas, values and rules opened my eyes about how confused I was. Being gay just means you like persons of your own sex, being masculine means you behave according to the socially constructed parameters expected from a man, while being a man just means that your sex is the one of a man, and those things are not necessarily interrelated. When I met other men that were transsexuals I discovered once again that being “man” was an even more complex concept. Those transsexual men were as men as I was; it was something I just could feel. Not because they necessarily were hairy and butchy (something to do with gender and not sex) but because I could have this feeling of empathy, complicity and comradeship you just feel with other men and not women. So apart from the “biological sex” I discovered that there was a kind of “psychological sex” that nothing to do had with your gender (how feminine or masculine you behave) nor with your sexual orientation (whether you like women or men). No one ever talked to me about that "psychological sex". It was just shocking and even more shocking when Loren Cameron, a transsexual man, became one of my manly idols. After encountering transsexual men I was sure that in my case my biological sex and what I understood as “psychological sex” matched each other, but I was also sure of the fact that they were two separate things that just complemented ach other as I did learn in high school when studying old crazy Plato and his dichotomy between body and mind. I realised that if I had had a “female body” I would have felt that something was wrong, like not giving total sense in my entire being. Normally people reflect about their personal situation when they encounter “the other”. If you do not go outside your little town were everybody is white and have red hair, you would never realise that black people, or people with brown hair even exist, and if you ever meet them because you travel or they enter your town you will most probably perceive them as strange, evil or even perverse. If I did not reflect upon being non-transexual it was because I lacked information about what Transsexuality actually was, about the fact that we all have a biological and a psychological sex and in some persons they match whereas in others they do not, not a big deal. Encountering transsexual men has helped me to reflect upon certain aspects that I totally ignored, it has helped me to better understand how amazing we men actually are and how unique human diversity is, broadening in this way the horizons of my knowledge and also about myself. Trans-manIs your gender between your legs or in your head? What´s it like to be a transgender? It´s not a desire to wear the clothes that the other sex is wearing. That is a transvestite.... To be a transgender, either female or male, is a feeling of being trapped in the wrong body. Being different from others of your own sex. A life split into two personalities. In my own case I discovered the feeling of being different very young. I was about 5 years old and had a playmate, a boy, Which was a dream come through for me, since I was born as a girl and none of the other boys wantede to play with me. He and I used to hide among the bushes in the backyard of his parents house and play secret games there. We switched clothes, he loved my dresses and I was mad about his torn jeans. In time we discovered that none of us was, what we wanted to be, but had no words for it nor a clue what to do about it. But we were happy together, until his family had to move. I grew up with a feeling of being neither a fish, nor a bird. Living in a heteronormative society, I found it hard to play the role of a girl and later as a woman. But somehow I fought my way through it, by being just a little ”odd”. But in 1996 it dawned upon me, that life didn´t necessarily have to be like that. I met a woman, who by instinct, could feel the man in me. And out he came, with a roar and with trouble on his mind. I then went to the Gender Clinic, Copenhagen, 1997. They were very reluctant to help me in any way and I left in fury and frustration and went into a massive depression. This lasted for ten long years because I pushed myself back into being a woman. Three years ago I made the final decision and started treatment at the Gender Clinic. The first year was a very hard time for me, untill I decided that I had to be in charge of the transformation myself. I started a hormone-treatment at a private doctor, regardless of the advice my therapist gave me. This led me into manhood very quickly, my voice started changing and hair grew in the strangest places. One morning I awoke I had the voice of Joe Cocker on a bad day (it has slightly improved since then). My body changed rapidly and last year I had top surgery done, on my own expence. Today I have reached a radical point in my life: My transition into being a man have not been painless, but never the less it has given my life a quality, that has never been there before. I enjoy living! - Having a girl- or boyfriend (yes, I´m bisexual too, haha), doing debates on transgenderism, going to parties and events mainly in the queer environment. Walking the streets as a man and being recognized as one, is my biggest and best achievement I have ever reached. Since I`m only 49 years old, I hope there are many more to come. Written by Erik Hansen, Poet and Genderactivist. Also feel free to visit my website on the transgender issue: (sorry it's not in english, but there are some poetry in english) Trans WomanThere are probably two questions. How is it to be a transgender person? How is it not to be? I was born as a male, but I wish to live as a female. I do not consider myself a transvestite, nor a transsexual. But someone in between. If you apply the Harry Benjamin scale, I am probably classified at level 3 or 4 depending on my mood. If a fairy or magician asked me, if I prefer to be male or female, I would not hesitate answering: "FEMALE." But I know that I can never become a real female. Hormones and operations can change something, but not everything, and may in fact ruin my life. So I try to get what I can get from life. I believe I I have known since age of 5 or 6 years, that I am different from most other boys. 45 years later, I consider myself more female than male. 45 years of primarily positive experiences. And a few negative. I have struggled with feelings of guilt. Guilt of not being satisfied with my life as husband and father. Guilt of wishing to live on my own and be as much female as I like. Guilt of letting my family down if I choose to do so. I will probably work with my gender identity for the rest of my life. Why should my last years be different from the first 51 years? With a little luck, I will have many positive experiences yet to come. And a few negative. So how is it to be a transgender person? And how is it not to be? I can probably not give a universal answer, but I can tell you how my life has been, how it is right now, and how I hope it will be in future. So if a fairy or a magician told me, that she/he could cure my "illness" I would not hesitate answering: "GO AWAY - don't touch me. Don't spoil my life!" |
CalendarBangeaRead more about Pangea's subgroup for international bisexuals. Pangea LadiesRead more about Pangea's ladies-only group. Trans-PangeaRead more about Pangea's trans-group. Voices of...Voices on Gender Identity |